Allwënn: First Star: Destiny.

Allwënn :

First Star: Destiny.

I can see you...

I haven't stopped seeing you. Not a second. Not an instant. I wonder if you hear me from your hole in the stars.

I keep on looking at the stars. I know you would like to know it. I taught you to count them. I could teach you just a few things. But that is my doing.

I sit and watch the sky. That sky that once we looked at together. This unforgettable and boundless sky like your skin. I pretend we are close and you are telling me secret tales only known by you and me. Secrets never told. Secrets that belong only to us. Nobody knows the truth except you and me and that one who watches my shadow. That one who kept the secret as if it never existed.

How can a look or a second change your life?. How can a simple harmless, even trivial, gesture get you? I remain tied to your eyes and I will be al my life. My pulse always beats twice in the same heartbeat. How can a man be a prisoner and feel that before that time he was never entirely free? How can the Destiny entangle you in a gaze forever?

I remember that place and that night as if before that memory there was no other: a trap, a bad business. A dead end, as always. A stolen information, a place that is a brothel in Bocas, a confidant and a blurred output. Among these hostile ingredients of those who look for each other and loose their life. Where did you come from? You were not supposed to be there, but you were. What an odd game from the Fate! I remember the smell of stale alcohol, laughters and exalted men. Low ilumination, cheap perfume, faces too much painted. Tumult, exuberance, waste of thighs and cleavage. I remember Gharin grinning knowing that he attracted the women eyes, my awkward pose, the search for an unknown face in the strange faces who spread a dense forest of hungry looks. Thinking: "we find him quickly, we take what is ours and we are gone."  Gharin giving me a nudge when watching one of the almost undressed girl passing by with her woman curves threatening like war drums. I remembered a wink, two, three, but I did not remember the color of the eyes that blinked. I remembered me disgusted with the human greed of flesh under the sheets, I remembered me wanting to leave, my infinite gaze tracing shapes, observing faces that might complicate the night, faster ways to escape if things grew hard. I remembered sinister men looking at the lining of my sword, at the expression of my face, at my way of watching them. The air can be cut with a knife; the usual of a place like that to be kept at bay.

Then my eyes started sweeping again. I remembered many non-important details that I might recite in order precisely, but I have just a memory. One true memory. A gaze crossing with mine as dozens of them at that moment. A gaze that in a second after his embrace put my world upside down. She is very young or she looks like she is. She wears an apron and a serving tray. I think she is the most beautiful creature anyone can imagine. She shines like a star on a moonless night. She stands out from that decadent place like a brilliant idea in a gamy speech. She looks at me and in that look the time stops, the air stops, the noise stops, my heart stops...

It is a second, just a second that  is worth more than a life. Those eyes look at me and pretend to be indifferent. She drops her eyes with a languor that ruffles my hair. She has just killed me and resurrected me on the spot. I do not think she is being aware of it. Then, her gaze is finished. It stops the hug. The intensity is lost. I fake a cold that my eyes do not fake. A calm that does not exist in my pulse. She looks back at the cups that collects promptly. I return to the search of my prey. But now, I can not see anything but her eyes firmly fixed in time, stuck in my mind.

A laugh is heard among the gods. Fortune knows the job is done. I still do not know but I've looked into the eyes of the unique woman in the world. The one who is destined to steal my life, squeeze in my bones, be my obsession and the only thing worthy of be remembered in my deathbed.

That night I should find a place in the stars. The hole that those eyes have left in the sky.